Radim Vrbata Heads to the All-Star Weekend

Radim Vrbata, or as my auto-correct likes to call him, “Rain Beast,” is heading to this weekend’s NHL All Star Game as the lone selection from Vancouver. There’s no question that he deserves the nod. His 18 goals lead the Canucks by a wide margin (the next closest are Bonino, Burrows and Hansen with 10 each). He has provided an important offensive spark to this team and has helped rejuvenate the Sedins after a rough year last year. The underlying stats hold up as well: he’s posted a respectable 50.8% Corsi for in his 42 games with the Canucks. Up to this point, in what has been an up and down season for the Canucks, Vrbata has generally been a bright spot. Even in some of the Canucks’ worst games, he still manages to post respectable shot totals and drive possession the right way.

So with all the excitement leading up to the All-Star game, I thought we could look at some different ways this weekend might play out for Vrbata. It’s a little game I like to call Scenarios. But this one has a twist. Usually we do four scenarios: Best Case, Worst Case, Most Likely and Least Likely. The problem is in this situation the first three scenarios are all pretty much the same. No matter what, Vrbata is an All Star; he’ll play on a team and participate in the skills competition. So we’ll do this one with two scenarios: The Likely Scenario and The Unlikely Scenario.

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The Likely Scenario

Radim Vrbata will be drafted by either one of the All Star Game captains in a draft that is painfully reminiscent of high school. At least it’s painful for some of us, the ones who were freckle-faced, skinny, and really into Jazz Band in high school. It’s probably painful for Phil Kessel too, who was the last player drafted last year, prompting the usual reaction from overly sensitive Toronto fans (I should know, I used to be one of them).

Who are the captains? Why they’re none other than Nick Foligno and Jonathan Toews, two of the six players voted on by the fans. One can only hope that he gets chosen by Toews,  although being chosen by Nick Foligno would have the exact same effect on him, namely that he is on an All Star team and does All Star things for the weekend.

The fan voting is one of the worst features of the All Star game in my opinion. The ASG suffers from the same problem as singing shows like the Voice. As long as the professionals are choosing the talent, the selections are fairly good. Sure, judges or experts aren’t perfect, but they generally make solid choices. But once you leave it in the hands of the people, things start to go haywire. In fact, Blackhawks fans are pretty much the hockey equivalent of country music fans. They’re going to vote for their guys, no matter how talented and successful the other options might be. Just ask Craig Wayne Boyd. This is not to say that the Blackhawks players don’t deserve the nod, but of the six fan voted selections, five were Blackhawks and one was Zemgus Girgensons, who had the whole nation of Latvia behind him. Clearly the system is a little broken.

Having said all that, I’m glad Vrbata gets a chance to play in the game and the skills competition. Hopefully he has some fun and makes Vancouver proud. I predict he’ll be on the third line and find a way to score a goal in the game. That’s a pretty likely scenario.

The Unlikely Scenario

Radim Vrbata arrives at the venue with some time to spare before the draft. He is confident and excited to participate in the weekend, but feeling a little lonely. He looks around for his fellow players from the Czech Republic, Patrik Elias and Jakub Voracek, but they haven’t arrived yet. He looks to the front of the room, where Toews and the other Blackhawks are all laughing uproariously. He waves at them politely. Duncan Keith notices him and calls him over. “Hey Radim,” he says, “come join us! We were just talking about how lame Phil Kessel is!” Vrbata jumps at the chance to chat with the Blackhawk players. After all, a franchise that successful must have some pretty cool guys on the team. “Yeah,” he laughs, “Phil Kessel is the worst!”

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The draft proceeds and Vrbata finds himself on a team with Toews, Kane, Keith, Seabrook and Crawford. He enjoys the skills competition immensely. He even manages to get to the finals in the accuracy competition, but he is beaten by Steven Stamkos, who can’t stop asking Vrbata questions like: “What’s it like to play on a line with Swedish twins? Do they communicate telepathically? Can you read their thoughts? Can you read my thoughts?” After such a barrage of inane chatter, Vrbata is happy to retire to the dressing room, where he finds his new friends the Blackhawks waiting for him.

“Hey Radim, we got you a gift,” says Patrick Kane. Sure enough, there’s a rather large wrapped box sitting in front of his locker. “Aww guys,” gushes Vrbata, “that’s too much! You shouldn’t have.” The Blackhawks snicker a little, and Toews suggests that he open it. Vrbata obliges, and looks with some confusion at the unwrapped box. “A pogo stick? What is this for?” Corey Crawford pipes up, “It’s for your training. All of us guys are doing it now. It really works your quads and your glutes.” The other guys are grinning, attempting to suppress their laughter. “Really? I’ve never heard of that before,” says Vrbata, “but thanks guys. That’s really nice.” “Try it out,” calls Crawford, as the other guys chime in. “Yeah, try it! Go for it!” Vrbata opens the box and steps on the pogo stick. He begins to bounce. A smile crosses his face. “This is really fun! You say this will help my quads?” But the Blackhawk players are laughing so hard they can’t answer. Brent Seabrook is laughing so hard he’s crying; Crawford is doubled up on the floor. Vrbata stops cold and stares. “Guys,” he yells, “what is so funny? Are you laughing at me?” Toews regains his composure. “Sorry,” he says through stifled laughs, “we’re going to have to return your pogo stick.” Vrbata looks at him, confused. “I don’t understand.” “Well,” says Toews, trying desperately to control his laughter, “it looks like our Czech just bounced! Baahahaha!”

Suddenly Radim Vrbata understands why all his teammates hate them so much.